If music be the food of love ................

What a day we had upon the Avon
Starting early in the Rose and Crown,

Watching our brave Lion heroes

Battling hard to put the Aussies down.

Then onwards to the River Festival

Out into the sunshine we did stride.

Across the bridge 'mongst thousands

Of happy, singing Brummies by our side.

There were beer tents, stalls, live music

But very little "Kulture" we did see

Just drunken, sweaty Brummies

Across from the RSC.

Stratford is a pleasant town,

But it's streets are paved with Shakespeares.

And, "if music be the food of love"

I'll have a pint of Brakespeares!

What a weekend - or 4 days to be precise!

The hottest weekend of the year found us not at Lesley but in Stratford upon Avon for an extended weekend which included the annual two day River Festival.

However the first item on the agenda was The Big Bash at Melbourne Park.

What a game and an Englishman scored the first try!

The only down side was the resident panel of experts (spelt NIT WITS) of Stuart Barnes and Scott Quinnell!

SkySports must have a "Say the bleedin' obvious" training course that ex players have to pass before they are allowed on air.

The Welsh Bard was not impressed either:

Up, down, Up Down Under…

Thank the Lord it’s over in Australia!

I’m sure that I’ll recover, by and by;

I didn’t have to cope with final failure,

But I’d had my fill of Stuart Barnes on Sky…

The Western Mail was far too chauvinistic –

Thank God some non-Welsh players scored a try!

But nothing made this viewer so ballistic

As Stuart Barnes, and Scott Quinnell on Sky…

There’s never been a man to match McLaren,

Whose talents set the standards way too high.

The rugby’s great – the commentary’s barren,

With Stuart Barnes and all his pals on Sky…

So thank the Lord the torment wasn’t tougher;

At least the local didn’t (quite) run dry.

It’s over, and no more we’ll have to suffer

Those Saturdays with Stuart Barnes on Sky!

Feel the same way? - then click this link:

Remove Stuart Barnes From SkySports Commentary

The Stratford River Festival was brilliant with live music from midday onwards and fireworks at nightfall across the water from the RSC with all the long boats illuminated. And to top it all the beer tent had Brakespeares Special! 

To say that Stratford upon Avon is a one man town is an understatement but, with the exception of Anne Hathaway's cottage which was in walking distance of where we were staying, we avoided the many tourist attractions including the half timbered Kebab House.

I also avoided having to endure any Shakespeare performances although Janice did sit through Romeo & Juliet and Twelfth Night at the Dell RSC Open Air Theatre.

I did, however, get dragged into the RSC Swan theatre to see "A Mad World My Masters" - a rarely performed 17th century tale of sex and money.

It has been transformed into a 1950s romp set in London’s seedy Soho by Director Sean Folly,  who described the Thomas Middleton comedy as “the filthiest play I’ve ever read”. It is a farcical foray into the sleazy world of prostitutes, tricksters and the tale of an over jealous husband seeking to expose his straying wife’s affair and described by one critic as a "disgracefully entertaining evening."

It certainly was!

Meanwhile the Prospect Plot is booming, especially the fruit. We have picked at least 30lbs of strawberries and they are still coming!

I'll finish with this bizarre story, brought to my attention by the Welsh Bard earlier this week.

Brazilian referee beheaded by spectators after he fatally stabs player

Police in northern Brazil say one man has been arrested after a referee who fatally stabbed a player during a match was decapitated by spectators who stormed the field.

Local reports said the incident, which took place on 30 June in the remote Brazilian town of Pio XII, escalated when the player, 30-year-old Josenir dos Santos, became involved in an argument with the referee, Octavio da Silva.

As the confrontation became physical and Dos Santos refused to leave the field, Da Silva allegedly produced a knife and stabbed the player, who died while being taken to hospital.

Reports said that outraged spectators responded by running on to the field and stoning Da Silva, before severing his head and sticking it on a stake in the middle of the field.

Police at the regional headquarters of Santa Ines said a 27-year-old man was arrested on 2 July, with the investigation continuing.

Still thinking of going to the World Cup next year?

Here's the thoughts of the Welsh Bard:

There are dangers that lurk in the Amazon’s murk

More potent than snakes or piranhas:

The beautiful game will not be the same

Since the ref drove spectators bananas…

In Europe, it’s said, footy goes to your head,

But this may be the answer for Blatter -

We’d all have a thrill if the boys from Brazil

Served up his head on a platter!

All I can say is "Roll me away!"

Eat your heart out Bruce!

Hey Ho!

The Changing Man

Those of you that had the dubious pleasure of working alongside me over the years will be fully aware that I didn't get where I am today by working "flat out". In fact I have always been of the opinion that "top gear" is a mechanism that should be engaged sparingly and only in exceptional circumstances.

However, it is with a certain amount of embarrassment that I have to report since our return from Cyprus nearly a month ago I have indeed been "flat out". The majority of the days have been taken up with getting the allotment back on track. The cold wet weather we experienced at the end of April and beginning of May followed by my 3 week absence had left the plot well behind schedule but with 12 days hard work and, sadly, a total disregard for being "in toon with the moon", plot 24A is "smoking"!

The rest of the time has been spent trying to sort out our own and a few selected customer's gardens. With the additional work I have taken on for WDTW, I had already decided to reduce the amount of gardening work I do and this cause has been considerably assisted by the change of both my home and mobile phone numbers.

It's not been all hard work though and we have been able to enjoy the last few weekends sunshine on the West Sussex coast with the fishing rods in action on two occasions. Last weekend I shattered the Guinness Book of Records smallest shark entry, see below. Actually it  was a dogfish but our granddaughter Amber ran back to the caravan shouting "Granddad's caught a shark!".

There was also time for the quarterly quest for the Holy Grail round the mean streets of Oxford with Sniffer Evans and Arty Garner. The Welsh Bard's newly reconditioned snozzle did us proud as it tracked down four new watering holes - Jude the Obscure, The Jericho Tavern, The Rickety Press, and most impressively the hidden away Bookbinders Arms, now renamed The Old Bookbinders,  and which was featured in the first episode of Morse, although disappointingly it didn't open on weekday lunchtimes.

The Welsh Bard celebrate the day with this little ode:

Up at Oxford, the boys’ latest tour
Commences with Jude the Obscure,
Then novelly crawls round Jericho’s walls,
And the Rickety Press – which is poor…

There, Chris gets a splinter, a drag,
So, lest any spirits should sag,
Baltzer and Arty, continue the party
Up at de Lamb and de Flag…

And, having dispensed with Loch Fyne
At the Kings they’re entranced by the sign:

So, creatures of habit, they order the rabbit,
And liver and bacon, and dine…

Then Arty and Chris steal away,
And I’m left on my lonesome to play,
But I'm setting a course for a pub used by Morse,

We'll Book in at The Binders one day!

As I have said before Oxford is a wonderful place for a pub crawl and it would appear that I am not the only person to eulogize this fact in a blog - the-inspector-morses-oxford-pub-crawl.

Whilst on holiday and when not listening to podcasts of Desert island Discs, I read the sixth novel in Robert Rankine's Brentford Trilogy, "Sex, Drugs and Sausage Rolls" in which John Omalley fulfills his secret ambition to manage a rock band, "Gandhi's Hairdryer". Each chapter is introduced with a poem and to whet your appetite here is the start of chapter one:

There's a Chef and His Name is Dave

There's a frog in the Kenwood blender,
There's a a cat in the microwave,
There's a mouse in the waste disposal,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a cockroach that lives in the pâté,
And the salt is the earwig's grave.
There are droppings all over the butter,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a nasty fungus under the stove,
Where the creepy crawlies wave.
And squeezing his spot in the beef hot-pot,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a man from the health department,
And he's just been sick in the sink,
And the Waterman's Art Centre kitchen,
Will be closed for a while, I think. 

CHAPTER 1
She does what?' John Omalley, looked up from his pint and down at Small Dave.
   'Reads your knob.' said the wee man. 'It's a bit like Palmistry, where they read the lines on your hand. Except this is called Penistry and they can tell your fortune by looking at your knob.'
   It was spring and it was Tuesday. It was lunchtime. They were in the Flying Swan.
  'I don't believe it,' said John. 'Someone's been winding you up Dave.'
   'They have not. I overheard two policeman talking about it while I was locked in the suitcase.'
   'Excuse me, Dave,' said Soap Distant, newly returned from a journey to the centre of the Earth. 'But why were you locked in a suitcase?'
   'There was some unpleasantness. I don't wish to discuss it.'
   'Small Dave was sacked from his job as chef at the Arts Centre,' said Omally.                                                                                                       ©Robert Rankine 1991

Sadly this week saw the passing of another great comic writer, Tom Sharpe.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jun/06/tom-sharpe-dies
What an imaginative sense of humour - here's the gas filled condoms scene from the BBC's dramatisation of Porterhouse Blue:

And for those of you who have a spare half an hour here he is with Roy Plomley on Desert Island Discs in 1984:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/player/p009mh17

Tom Sharp RIP.
 
Finally, don't be concerned that the subject of this creative piece of writing, "A Changing Man", refers to my work ethic, that was purely temporary. It actually refers to the fact that I boarded flight EZY675 at Pafos airport wearing a blue shirt and black trousers and disembarked at Gatwick wearing a fawn shirt and brown trousers courtesy of the "iffy" young steward who emptied a hot cup of coffee in my lap! For the record I can confirm it was a young blonde stewardess not the "iffy" young steward who assisted me with the mopping up of the scolding brew from my groin area! What a nightmare. All I can say is try and avoid making a complete change of clothes in the confines of an airline toilet!

On that hot sticky note I leave you with Mr Paul Weller:

Hey Ho!

A Place in the Sun

What can I say..............................

Hey Ho!

It's a Hard Life

It's a hard life
To be true lovers together
To love and live forever in each others hearts
It's a long hard fight
To learn to care for each other
To trust in one another right from the start
When you're in love

Ten days in to our visit to Paphos and, even for Cyprus, the temperatures have been well above the seasonal April average and set to rise by a degree each day until the middle of next week. It might be 28C in the shade but in the full sun it is more like 38-40C. It is 11.00 am here and I am writing this outside on the patio with the current semi-shaded temperature already 90F.

But, after all,  that's why we come and, of course to relax and lay around the pool all day doing not much more than read. There are only a couple of TV news stations and one old movie channel to watch but more importantly no BBC radio except through the internet. Knowing that I had no internet connection in this apartment, the second of our stay, last week I downloaded a selection of Desert Island Discs podcasts which I am gradually working my way through.

If you ever find yourself lost for something interesting to listen to and can get access to the internet download a selection of these podcasts at:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/features/desert-island-discs/find-a-castaway

These are my recommendations so far:

• Tom Sharpe - 1984
• Christopher Lloyd - 2000
• Bobby Robson - 1986
• Danny Baker -
• Dickie Bird -1996
• Graham McPherson (Suggs) - 2002
• Jonathan Agnew -
• Ian Dury - 1996
• Kenny Everett - 1993
• David Gilmour - 2003
• Henry Blofeld - 2003
• Spike Milligan - 1978

Like most places in Europe the bars here show wall to wall football but being two hours ahead watching the midweek Premiership and Champions League games are a non starter as they don't even KO until 10.00pm so today I am going to take the opportunity to watch the Arsenal v Manchester United match at 6.00 pm.

I'll leave you with this track from Ian Dury, who, when asked by Sue Lawley to give her a few lines that he had writen that he was proudest of, came with this classic:

Home improvement expert Harold Hill of Harold Hill
Of Do-It-Yourself dexterity, and double glazing skill
Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in the grill
So he sanded off his winkle with his Black and Decker drill



Hey Ho!

The "Un-retired" Employee of the Month

Much has happened over the last 2 weeks, and the story that has dominated our media to the point of saturation was the passing of the Iron Lady, bringing an interesting range of reactions from all sections of the community. Enough to say that she was 87 years old and had been in failing health for several months and if you're going to go - do it in style in a queen size bed in the Ritz! End of story - let's move on.

I am sure David Cameron and Iain Duncan Smith have welcomed the media attention being moved away from the saga of the introduction of the long overdue and necessary Welfare Reform Act, a subject that is fast becoming my "Specialist Subject" having had to research, translate into simple English and publish the detail and timetable on the information portal MyAdviceGateway.

As many of you will know I have been spending a lot of time updating and extending this site which is, despite saying I would have nothing more to do with IT when I retired, something that I must admit I find quite enjoyable and rewarding, and I don't just mean the additional beer tokens which are currently being exchanged for pints of Brakspeares at the Lifeboat Inn, Lesley, every Friday evening to toast my new found benefactors at We Do the Words. 

I have also been producing two newsletters every month for them and have become a vital cog in the well oiled wheels of their organisation, such that, for the last 6 months, I have been voted "Employee of the Month"!

Which leads me on to another relevant story published last week:

           Boredom 'leads retired men to go back to work' with most returning within four years

• One in 20 men aged between 50-74 goes back
• The 'unretired' tend to be highly-skilled professionals
• Likely to take managerial roles for average of 20 hours

By Rosie Taylor
PUBLISHED: 03:20, 5 April 2013 | UPDATED: 09:02, 5 April 2013

Boredom in retirement is sending men back to work, a study has suggested.

Financial troubles and missing the workplace may also lie behind a rise in people becoming ‘un-retired’.

One in 20 men aged between 50 and 74 has decided to go back to work, according to research presented to the Royal Economic Society’s  conference in London.

The 'un-retired' tend to be highly-skilled professionals with at least one A-level or equivalent and an average salary of £50,000 at 2006 levels,

Most returned to some form of work four years after retirement.

They are most likely to take a consultancy or managerial role for an average of 20 hours a week.

Christopher Brooks, of Age UK, said many people ‘simply enjoy the identification of the workplace, so when they stop working they  miss it’.

So there it is - I am officially" un-retired" although I have not been offered that option in any "Occupation" drop-down menu yet!

For the last week or so I have been researching and publishing pages on "Family Life and Relationships" which has included the topics of Relationship Problems, Ending a Relationship, Divorce, Gender Violence, Child Abuse, Social and Community Care, Bereavement et al. This depressing subject matter has necessitated prolonged periods of recuperation at the end of each afternoon down the Fox, which has also hit the front page of the papers this week, albeit The Farnborough News:

Late night licence, not for me anymore!

But as far as I am concerned the story of the week was that of the Samoan Airline that is charging passengers by weight:

http://news.yahoo.com/samoa-airline-introduces-pay-weight-pricing-231150753.html

This is a subject that I know is very close to the heart of my mate Paul who, on flying back to Cyprus from the UK a couple of years ago, was charged excess baggage on his wife's suitcase. Of course Paul being Paul didn't accept this lightly and created quite a scene demanding to know why the rather rotund overweight gentleman checking in at the next desk wasn't paying excess baggage on his flight ticket!

I rather agree with him but can you imagine the queues at the check-ins if you have to weigh yourself and your luggage before boarding. Down to your underpants to make the weight - I think not!!

And taking about Cyprus, we are off to Paphos on Thursday for 3 weeks of sunshine. I will of course keep you updated.

The weather over the last 8 weeks has put us allotmenteers well behind schedule and it is only in the last few days that I have been able to get anything planted. Onion sets, early potatoes, broad beans and various seeds have been sown but after Friday and Saturdays rain they are probably all floating on the surface. Yesterday I overbalanced and placed my right foot in a bed that I had previously dug and rotovated. I sank in a bog up to my knee and when I managed to get my leg out found that I had left my shoe behind!

However the weekend before last Spring was in the air at Lesley. We went for a walk on the new beach at around 6 o'clock and witnessed what looked like a scene from an Alfred Hitchcock film.

They were, in fact not birds but ducks, and must have been returning to Pagham Harbour and points East for their Summer holidays. There was at least a dozen large groups each with more than 500 ducks in each and as they approached from between the IOW and Portsmouth they looked like squadrons of aeroplanes. Quite impressive!

Must go and do a bit more up the plot now but I can't resist leaving you with this:

RIP 01276 31275

The first taste of sunshine since we returned from Portugal has inspired me to put fingers to keyboard!

The caravan survived the winter and is up and running, although we beat a hasty retreat back to Cotswold Towers on Sunday morning as it was so cold and windy.

This week has been quite eventful so far.

On Tuesday the planned “seamless” switchover from Sky and BT to Virgin Media was completed with one major problem. Although we were assured that there was no need for us to contact BT to cancel and retain our phone number as this would all be handled by Virgin Media staff, we were left with a new exchange and number. Not only that, the BT service had not been cancelled so we now have another 30 days line rental and broadband charge to pay!

We are NOT amused. I have, of course, already opened negotiations with Virgin Media re compensation but loosing the phone number that we have had for 43 years is like losing a good friend.

With the change of the broadband and WiFi router location I took the opportunity to totally reorganise my office and clear out 25 years worth of old equipment and cables, a task that was long overdue.

See photo below featuring my backup laptop.

Why, you are asking yourselves, am I showing my old laptop in the picture?

Well, having spent most of the day sorting things out and after refitting a shelf, I was finally able to sit down and admire the new setup and check my email. I noticed that I had forgotten to throw out two old Windows and Frontpage manuals so I removed them from the shelf which immediately crashed down on top of my new Samsung laptop smashing the screen!!

Hey bloody Ho! - a fitting end to a far from perfect day!

You have to admire the Bradshaws from Westerham in Kent, who are on a mission to buy only British for a 12 month period. The have already found out that there are no light bulbs or batteries manufactured in the UK.

Visit their site at http://britishfamily.co.uk 

Whilst on holiday I completed the 5th book in Robert Rankins Brentford Trilogy – “The Brentford Chainstore Massacre”, reviewed by the Observer as:

“STARK RAVING GENIUS … ALARMING AND DEFORMED BRILLIANCE”

 These books just get better! Here’s an extract:

‘What blood type are you?’ asked Dr Steven Malone.
‘AB negative,’ said Jack. ‘I used to bleed a lot as a child.’
‘Nosebleeds?’ Dr Steven asked.
‘No, the top of my head.’
‘How unusual.’
‘Not really. My brother wanted to be a musician.’
‘I don’t think I quite follow you.’
‘He wanted to play the xylophone, but my dad couldn’t afford one, so my brother, my older brother, used to line up all us younger brothers in descending order of height, then go round behind us and strike each of us on the top of the head with a tent peg mallet. A sort of human xylophone, you see. He could do almost the entire Lennon and McCartney song book. I was Middle C. I used to suffer a lot from concussion.’
‘Does your brother play the xylophone now?’
‘In Broadmoor, yes’

Meanwhile, in the real world, another great musician and personality passed away last week:



I can remember buying those singles in the early sixties – Samantha, Midnight in Moscow, The Green Leaves of Summer, Rondo etc.  In fact, I still have them and they were part of what fell on my laptop on Tuesday!

I’ll leave you with one more memory:



Kenny Ball RIP

Weston-super-Bock!

I could quite easily live in the Algarve. The people are so laid back and friendly, the beaches are beautiful and unspoilt and it is so cheap to live here. For example, a three course meal with ½ litre of wine or a pint of beer followed by coffee and a glass of port is 7.50€ in one of the restaurants up the road from where we are currently staying. In the bar next door a pin of Super Bock is 1.50€ and a large glass of wine 1.00€.

This time we are in the small town of Olhos d'Agua (Water Eyes), so called for the fresh water springs visible on the beach at low tide. It is situated midway between Albufeira and Vilamoura about 18 miles west of Faro.

The weather for the first 10 days was hot and sunny but the last 3 days have been a mixture of sunshine, showers and heavy rain.

Yesterday we waited for the rain to ease before leaving the apartment at around 2pm to go for lunch. We had just got inside a cafe, not 10 minutes walk away, when the wind got up and the heavens opened. Our lunch came and there was a power cut. By the time we left to return, some 20 minutes later, the sun was shining.

On the road just down from the apartment there is a bridge over a deep gully. No more than 10 minutes after we crossed it, on our way out, a mini tornado had blown through the gully uprooting trees, blowing the gates off and damaging the roof of a beautiful villa and decimating several gardens before blowing itself out before reaching the town.

If we had been walking over that bridge at the time ....................................

Well it's back home tomorrow then down to Lesley on Saturday to open up the caravan for a new season. Hopefully we will have better weather this year and the whole family will be able to enjoy the new and improved beach, which 17 million pounds later, is now complete.

Sadly my favourite fishing spot has completely disappeared in the remodelling of the coastline but there is a nice protected lagoon that I can't wait to "sling my hook" into!

Here's a brilliant video of the 12 months work compressed into 5 minutes, (look out for Janice and me in the anoraks at about 2 min 53sec):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uvTV7izExs&feature=player_embedded#!

Since my last entry we finally made it to Weston-super-Mud and spent a great few days in the Wetherspoons Hotel on the seafront. Unfortunately, as you can see, the diets have gone out of the window:

I leave you with Weston-super-Mud and "The Cafe" filmed on the promenade last year:

Update from Lesley next week!

Hey Ho!

In memory of ...................

The warmer weather of the last few days has tempted me "up the plot" for sustained periods of fruit tree pruning and general tidying up. I've even planted a few flower bulbs to brighten up the borders.

We're off to Portugal for two weeks on Thursday so I am trying to get ahead of the game.

On Friday of last week I met up with JohnG and the Welsh Bard for our quarterly quest to map out all the pubs of Oxford and two new venues were ticked off our list.

Oxford really is a lovely city and so far we haven't entered a public house that we wouldn't be happy with staying in for the duration.

Here we are enjoying lunch in the Kings arms on a previous meeting:

To celebrate our fourth visit I decided to put pen to paper:

Beneath the clock at Oxford station,

the meeting place again.

Three OAPs, still young at heart

arriving on the train.

From South and East and West they came

with stories to be told,

of funerals and ailments

and memories to unfold.

A  Welshman and a Suffolk boy

and making up the trinity,

a  Northerner, an Eccles lad,

paradigms of masculinity.

Oxford's streets are paved with pubs

and they are on a mission,

to have a pint in every one

on their quarterly expedition.

They've done The Grapes and The White Horse,

The Kings Arms and The Bear,

Eagle and Child, The Rose and Crown.

Have they been everywhere?

This time they started at The Grapes

but new pubs they had vowed.

The Lamb and Flag received them well

and the Royal Oak did 'em proud.

With time to spare they crossed the road

into the Eagle and Child,

to finish off a perfect day

the boys were going wild!

At three o'clock, their bellies full,

and smiles upon their faces,

they say goodbye and board their trains

back to their diverse bases.

In three months time, The Likely Lads

will meet again, don't fear.

With ailments new and stories too

and of a course a pint of beer!

or two, or three or four or more!

February has seen the passing of two greats in diverse fields of entertainment.

Two days ago the brilliant Richard Biers passed away. Although "The Good Life" only ran for a comparatively short time, it is a sitcom that everyone of our generation can relate to.

Earlier in the month the legendary Reg Presley of the Troggs and one of Hampshires genuine characters passed on:

The Troggs shot to fame with "Wild Thing" a song that was later covered by Jimi Hendrix, Bruce Springstein, the Muppets and many more.

What a star!!