……………. NOT me!
But I’ll go into that in more detail later.
Much has happened since my last entry and probably the most notable (and least interesting) was my attainment of Senior Citizen status, which passed by fairly quietly while on holiday in Spain.
Of course the Welsh Bard had to put fingers to keyboard in celebration:
I didn’t get where I am being blunt,
Or saying things I know I shouldn’t mention,
But Baltzer, you may grimace, even grunt,
To read this celebration of your pension!
I didn’t get where I am, nor did you,
By feeling old, except on mornings after,
So Chris, I think the only thing to do
Is treat this milestone with a dose of laughter!
I didn’t get where I am counting years,
Or checking dates, although I do remember
The last time that we shared a load of beers,
So, that’s what we must do before December...
I didn’t get where I am, knowing this -
That soon I’ll join you oldies on a pension,
So when we’re back from holidays, young Chris,
We’ll have to have a pensioners’ convention!
So at some date before Christmas we will be meeting up, probably in Reading, for a night of nostalgia (and a beer or ten).
Any of you who remember Paul, (well if you met him you’d hardly forget him!) and fancy a reunion, please let me know.
Incidentally after Paul left the sports centre “management” business he worked for Greene King for a number of years and is now in receipt of his Greene King pension which includes a regular monthly supply of 20% off beer tokens.
Now that’s what I call a pension!
Enough about being a pensioner, more interesting has been our redefinition of the term “long week-end” which now starts on a Wednesday and finishes on a Sunday or Monday. Even at my peak when I was in full time employment I never achieved a regular two day working week!
We certainly have made the most of the caravan this year and have had two really good holidays in Pafos and Nerja.
So no time for blog entries particularly as I have been “dongled-up” in Lesley on a netbook with tiny keys and small screen (the old peepers are not what they used to be) and a slow internet connection.
Another thing we have found out about Selsey is that it is almost always bloody windy.
Apologies to Michelle Shocked but ……………
Hey guys you know it’s kinda funny, Suffolk always felt so cold,
But you know you’re in the windiest place in the country,
When you’re, dongled-up in Lesley, West Sussex.
Whilst on the subject of internet connections here is another chapter from my forthcoming book, “Help Desks from Hell”:
“Following an extended stay, “on Dongle” in Lesley, we returned to Cotswold Towers to find that our BT "Always On" Broadband connection was "Always Off".
I gave it 24 hours then "Dongled up" my netbook and went to the BT support site.
I followed all the checks, disconnected the other phone extensions, swapped the filter box over but still "Always Off".
The next check was to enter my phone number and have a line check performed.
Easy enough - "0127631275" .................
"ERROR =PLEASE ENTER A VALID PHONE NUMBER"
Bloody useless.
Against me better judgement and knowing, after my dealings with other large organisations, that 0800 is the international dialling code for Calcutta, I then phoned BT Support.
My worst fears were confirmed:
"Good afternoon Sir, Rajid here, how may I be helping you today".
After what seemed like 30 minutes of confused conversation we established that there may be a fault in the NE Hants area and I should try again later.
I then went on the attack:
"And another thing, your bloody support web site is useless. The line check software doesn't recognise my phone number - 0127631275".
"That is because you will be entering only a five digit telephone number, Sir"
"Correct, I have a bloody 5 digit phone number".
"I am not understanding that Sir but I will be reporting this issue to our software supporting team. 100 thank yous, Sir, for reporting this unfortunate situation.
Is there anything else I can be helping you with this afternoon, Sir?"
" Yes, just get my bloody broadband working"
Phoned slammed down.
5 minutes later Rajid called me back and confirmed that there was a reported fault in my area of Hampshire and experienced BT engineers were working on it, around the clock, as he was speaking.
Now here's the good bit .............
He then suggested that I poke a needle or something sharp into a small hole in the side of the BT Hub and hold for 30 seconds to reset the equipment. Dutifully I searched around for needle and did what he instructed.
All it achieved was to draw blood from my thumb!
I politely asked him if this was BT's definition of leading edge technology.
He ignored this and told me that if it wasn't working in 24 hours I should be repeating this stupid exercise and see if that solved the problem.
I had been, in my humble opinion, very patient with him up until that point in our discussions but my patience finally broke and I lost it.
"If I am still not connected in 24 hours I will be back on the F-----g phone demanding to speak to your bosses, bosses, boss! I pay top dollar to be "Always On" and want a refund for every minute that I am off the air."
This rattled him and he began to get angry but I was not in the mood for further exchanges and hung up.
The following morning I was "On" then, after an hour, I was "Off". Since then my broadband has been up and down like a whores drawers but this morning, 5 days later I have been connected at least long enough to respond to the backlog of emails that had built up over the previous week.”
Super Blues seem to have recovered from an indifferent start and having sheared up the defence following the 7-0 drubbing by Peterborough, they are on bit of a roll, notably the away win at Upton Park, and are charging up the table.
Getafe fans urged to become sperm donors and breed more supporters
In a desperate bid to build its fan base, Spanish football club Getafe has released a video urging fans to become sperm donors in order to breed more season ticket holders.
The tongue-in-cheek video opens with a fan in front of an empty stand under the words "There's a problem: there aren't many of us".
Then the voiceover tells us there is a solution as the camera pans to the fan's crotch. We next see him in a sperm donor clinic collecting a plastic container. He is handed a DVD entitled Calientes de Getafe (Getafe's Hot Zombies).
The film shot in the style of a 1970's porn film shows young women in a room whose walls are covered with Getafe posters, flags and scarves, drinking a potion that turns them into sex mad zombies, The idea is that the DVD is so erotic that the donor has no difficulty in making his contribution.
Marketing director, Jose Antonio Cuetara, is optimistic, "If the campaign is a success we'll have to build a bigger stadium," he said.
Bloody hell, if they tried this with Farnborough season ticket holders, whose average age must be nearing 70, they would have to build a bigger cardiac arrest unit at Frimley Park!
Finally onto the sad subject of the Rushmoor in Bloom 2011 awards.
I returned from Spain expecting to find an invitation to the prize giving but no such letter. I checked the website and found that the award ceremony was to be held that night. Surprised that I had obviously missed out, but in fairness I had spent little time at the allotment over the previous 4 months, I thought nothing of it.
Last week I had occasion to visit my allotment "buddy" Big Sav,
I was greeted by Sav and his partner Sheila both wearing Cheshire cat grins and suppressing laughter. After 5 minutes of small talk he could wait no longer and amid raucous laughter, pulled out of a large brown envelope a Silver Gilt Award to Mr. Mike Savage Plot 23A Prospect Road Allotments.
I did not join in the laughter.
My plot is 24A and next to it is 23A, which I share with Sav. One half is dedicated to potatoes and my half which adjoins plot 24A is just an extension of my allotment.
Plot 23A is in his name and the potatoes, mistakenly, received the Silver Gilt award.
I have of course been on the phone to Rushmoor Council Allotment department and had the matter clarified.
A Silver Gilt Award is in the post to me.
Somewhat of an anti-climax, not the least of which is not having my photo taken with the new mayor.
Off to Lesley again tomorrow, Must make the most of it, only 3 weeks left before the site closes. Then it’s off to Pafos again on the 2nd for two weeks.
Have seen some great entertainment at the site this year – Ben E King, Alan Price, Manfred Mann with both Mike Darbo and Paul Jones, Jaki Graham. Angie Brown, Incognito and last week, one of my favorite British singers, Chris Farlowe, whom I used to see regularly in Ipswich with Albert Lee and the Thunderbirds.
Remember "Out of Time"?
Although nearly 71 he can still sing out of his boots.
Here something to remind you:
