All roads lead to Calcutta

As promised, if you've got half an hour, I'm going to tell you a story.

You must also understand that I was once a Customer Support Manager and ran a pretty dam successful Help Desk.

Once upon a time in a retail outlet near you I successfully signed up for a mobile phone contract with 3 Mobile.

Last Friday I decided to procure a netbook with mobile broadband. Apparently these days, even in gardening circles, you’re no one unless you have a nice shiny “Dongle”!

As I am a customer with 3 Mobile (and they offered by far the best deal) I returned to said retail outlet, tried out the equipment to my satisfaction and sat down with a salesperson with an unpronounceable name to complete the application.

After 10 minutes of questions, answers and hectic keyboard activity, (all for information already known to 3 Mobile as I hastened to point out), we were presented with the message - “CREDIT CHECK FAILED”.

“How can that possibly be” I exclaimed, “I’m a fine upstanding member of the community and a non-defaulting existing customer.”

“I must have entered something wrong”, explained the salesperson with an unpronounceable name.

Another 10 minutes of hectic keyboard action followed only to be greeted with the same message.

“Sorry Sir, I can’t take your application any further. You can contact 3 Moblie support to appeal against the decision”, muttered the salesperson with an unpronounceable name, with total disinterest.

Now I have done some pretty stupid things in my 63 years but I didn’t get where I am today by running up bad debts and I sat in the shop speechless and in a state of shock.

Checking my watch I realised that I was in danger of rounding of a bad hair day with a parking ticket so, after politely telling the salesperson with an unpronounceable name precisely where to stick his "Dongle", realising immediately that this wasn’t actually possible, I beat a hasty retreat.

Returning home, crest fallen and "dongleless", I checked my Experian credit report online and, as expected, it was squeaky clean.

Since being the victim of identity fraud three years ago I have Identity Protection Insurance with a company called CPP which includes membership of Experian the credit checking company. I rang CPP and they confirmed that there was no reason why my application should have failed and I should seek an explanation from 3 Mobile.

Now the fun starts. I ring 3 Mobile support and after negotiating a dozen menu options and entering my mobile phone number three times I am placed in a queue.

After several minutes I am put through:

“Good afternoon, you are speaking to Sadiq , how may I be helping you today?”.

My heart sank, but determined to sort this out once and for all I explained simply and slowly my problem.

There followed a lengthy explanation by Sadiq of how 3 Mobile determine an applicants credit score. I thanked him for his word perfect response and explained that I didn’t care how they worked out my credit rating but that I required to know the reason I had failed it, preferably sooner rather than later. After rejecting more scripted responses from Sadiq, blood pressure rising by the minute, I finally hit the jackpot.

“Would you like me to email you a document that will be explaining your application?”

I gratefully accepted this offer, having first confirmed with Sadiq that it would detail the reason my application failed.

“Thank you for your time today Mr Balthasar I will forward you the document immediately”.

I replaced the receiver pleased that I had achieved my goal.

15 minutes later an email arrived. I eagerly opened the attachment only to find I had been sent a generic document explaining how 3 Mobile works out your credit score and an address, in Glasgow, to appeal against their decision.

Bloody marvellous, I thought, out of the frying pan and into the fire! Now I’ve got to deal with a Rab C. Nesbitt look-alike. Thankfully there was just an address no phone number.

As the weekend progressed the more I thought about this the more unhappy I became. Why should I do all the work, after all they were in the wrong?

First thing Monday morning I found out the phone number of 3 Mobile’s Head Office.

I rang them and asked to speak to someone who deals with Customer Care or Customer Complaints.

“Certainly Sir, I’ll put you straight through”.

Result, I am thinking, especially as the phone rings straight away with no minefield of menus or options.

“Good morning, you are speaking to Aseem, how may I be helping you today?”

I slammed the phone down and looked for a cat to kick.

Three hours later and refreshed with a couple of Moorland Originals I decided to give India one more chance.

After once again negotiating the lengthy preliminaries I am greeted with the usual response:

“Good afternoon, you are speaking to Sharmila, how may I be helping you?”

I explained at length my predicament and asked if I could speak to someone in their credit department.

She politely explained that this was not possible but she would be contacting them for an explanation and be phoning me back in 2 hours time.

I reluctantly agreed.

Now this is when poor young Sharmila made a big mistake.

“Is there anything else I can be helping you with today Mr. Balthasar?”

“Indeed there is madam. I would like you to cancel my mobile phone contract”.

“I am very sorry to here that Mr. Balthasar”, she responded, hastily searching for the relevant script. “May I be asking why you are wanting to cancel?”

NOT in my humble opinion a career move question!

“BECAUSE I AM …… “, I hear the kitchen door close, Janice wisely deciding that she no longer wishes to be party to this telephone call, “TOTALLY PISSED OFF WITH 3 MOBILE”.

“Please be holding on sir I will check your contract details. I am seeing that you are having 12 months of your contract left and that you will be liable to be paying the rental for that period”.

Having already done by homework, I smugly pointed out that I would not be parting with any of my hard earned retirement bounty and that, under section 10 paragraph C of their terms and conditions, 3Mobile were entitled to cancel a contract with immediate effect if the customer failed a credit check.

“I have failed your credit check therefore I want you to terminate my contract immediately, at no cost to myself”, I demanded triumphantly.

“I am not sure I can be doing that Mr. Balthasar, I will have to be checking with our legal department and phoning you back”.

Satisfied that I had made my point I thanked her for her time and that I would be looking forward to her return calls.

An hour later I received a call:

“Good afternoon Mr. Balthassar, this is Japendra speaking from the Credit Department of 3 Mobile. I am pleased to be reporting that we have sorted out the misunderstanding with your application and that if you return to your store your application will now be accepted”.

I tried to explain that I no longer had any intention of entering into a contract with 3 Mobile but required an explanation as to why the application failed in the first place and that nothing would be recorded against my name.

“I cannot be telling you that over the phone Mr. Balthasar but I can be sending you a document explaining our credit checking procedure and giving you an address in Glasgow to be writing to”.

At this point I just gave up. They just wear you down.

The outcome – I have written a polite letter to Rab C. Nesbitt requesting an explanation, an apology and perhaps a teensy weensy bit of compensation for the worry and sleepless nights that this whole incident has caused a retired elderly couple both already suffering from ill health and high blood pressure.

If truth be known, I've thoroughly enjoyed it!

And I will, of course, keep you informed of any response.

And yes, I still have a 3 Mobile phone and yes I have posted this entry from my recently acquired Netbook complete with 3 Mobile “dongle”.

Annoyingly they are by far the cheapest and we didn’t get where we are today by laying out more than we need to, did we?.

So remember, before phoning a Call Centre, beware - all roads lead to Calcutta or do they????

The Battle of Evesham

In 1265 the King’s men won a famous victory against the rebels of Simon de Montfort at the Vale of Evesham. A feat that was to be repeated nearly 750 years later by Steve King’s men last Saturday but this time the scene of the battle was not the tranquil banks of the river Avon but the blood stained fields of Cherrywood Road.

The victors - Steve King’s battle scarred Farnborough FC, the vanquished – Paul West’s Evesham United.

The game can be summed in the words of manager King:

“The visitor’s tactics went beyond the boundaries of fair football combat. Some of their challenges were appalling”.

None more so than the kick to the head of top goal scorer Dean McDonald in the first half by the Evesham skipper, after the whistle had been blown for a foul and which went completely unpunished by the wimp of a referee resulting in the striker leaving the field with blood pouring from a broken nose.

The statistics:

FFC 3

1 yellow card
2 players unfit to continue as a direct result of cynical fouls

Evesham United 1

8 yellow cards
2 red cards (during the game)
1 red card (after the final whistle)
Manager banished from the touchline
Visitors changing room door kicked in.

Two 5 minute 18 man brawls.

Having said all that it’s 3 more points and in the words of my fellow blogger Mike, after the game, “That was damned good value for money!”

The Battle of Evesham was just a small diversion for me, in a week that has been dominated by my own personal battle with 3 Mobile.

I will relate the full story on Sunday.

In the meantime I leave you with this. It's a funny old game.

IPARIP

I will start with the bad news.

Still reeling from the announcement that Greene King had ended their offer of IPA at £1.99 a pint, I was hit with the KO blow. Hayley, the landlady of the Fox, in her infinite wisdom has decided that the pub can no longer justify offering two real ales on hand-pump and, in future, will only be serving Moorlands Original.

Eminently drinkable though it is, MO just hasn’t got the same ring about it as IPA.

Not the end of the world you may be thinking but this is my last tenable daily connection with God’s Own County!

In a desperate attempt to justify her actions Hayley has decided to replace the Ruddles keg with Greene King IPA Smooth to be offered at £1.99 a pint.

Following my near self exploding experience with this at the Rec two weeks ago I think I will give it a wide berth.

So much for the so called re-emergence of proper beer. I feel an odd ode from the Welsh Bard coming on.

And the week-end started so well with England’s fine victory over the Taffs not to mention the fine performance of our under 20’s the previous evening in the warm up match and the Ladies in their corresponding fixture.

Instead of a lament from EvansAbove bemoaning this fine English treble, I received this report of his post match adventures:

“And so it came to pass that yesterday, just as the Twickers ref brought the curtain down on one pantomime, another one kicked off. From Harry’s end of the Village, this particular phenomenon isn’t so apparent, but when the wind comes from beyond the M4 interchange we get the full nasal treat as the Bombay, the Khazi and the India Gate combine their aromas. We keep saying that one day we’ll try the first named pair, but as the Gate is no more than eighty yards away, we use them for our sporadic takeaways. But there may be a change.

It’s not as if I’m a regular there, but I did notice that it was a new man on the restaurant’s ‘welcome’ desk. He evidently hadn’t been here long, as he started spelling my surname with an ‘H’! As ever, and it’s hardly worth buying an expensive lager while I’m waiting, I strolled home fighting my way through the weeping masses in their Brains sponsored tops. Twenty minutes later, I was back at the Gate, which was now beginning to get busy – with sad fans. “Takeaway for Evans”, I said, forgetting to aspirate my name, and number 42 duly arrived, with P. Evans clearly on the receipt...

Unpacking the bag, maybe two minutes later, I spotted Lamb Bhuna on one of the containers and realised it was the wrong selection of goodies, however appealingly they were smelling. I replaced them neatly in the bag, and made my third excursion through streets now damp with losers’ tears (you’re loving this, admit it! And it is the 30th anniversary of Ringer being sent off at Twickers...)

Back at the Gate, there followed a scene the Marx Bros would have been proud of, as the new man was given a bollocking and one of them scuttled off for the correct order. Yes, Baltzer, mine was P. Evans, but number bloody 43.

While this was going on, a bloke I’d never seen before walked in, and asked for his meal – name, P. Evans (we all drop our aitches around ere!) So, naturally I introduced myself and we shook hands. You must admit, it’s a novel way of meeting people, though I wonder if they explained that his meal had already done one lap of Whitchurch. As I left – with what turned out to be excellent nosh, unaffected by in-transit stumbles, despite the extremely wet pavements, now running with blood as well as tears – approximately ten Asians were arguing unintelligibly. Well, not wholly so, as I did understand the one word that cropped up quite frequently – “Hevans” ... "

Pleasing to know that I’m not the only person starring in takeaway comedies.

The highlight of the week was the receipt of my new fruit bushes which I mentioned briefly last week.

John Stoa, an artist and gardener, who lives in Dundee came across this fruit, which is very similar in appearance and taste to blueberries, being grown commercially while visiting Canada.
On his return to Scotland he discovered that Amelanchier alnifolia is quite widely grown in the UK as an ornamental shrub, not for it's black berries which are produced in large numbers and mainly left for the birds, but for it's attractive white spring flowers. Saskatoons, as the fruit are called, have similar nutrients to blueberries but in higher levels. They grow faster and taller than blueberries, do not require acidic soil conditions and have very few pests and diseases likely to trouble them. Saskatoons contain high levels of antitoxins which may help prevent heart disease, strokes, cancer, cataracts and other chronic illnesses, can be used as fresh fruit and also processed for jams, jellies, chutneys, pie fillings, yoghurts, syrups, juice concentrates, cider, wine and liqueurs.

Sounds like a pretty "tooned" in fruit to me.

Full details of the shrub and how to obtain them can be found on John's website:

www.johnstoa.co.uk/saskatoon.htm

Why not try some - you know it makes sense!

Back on the greenhouse front more seeds have been sown this week for early crops aubergines, tomatoes, peppers, chillis, cucumbers, okra and melon. A bit behind Kitchen Gardens schedule which will probably be telling me to pick them in next months issue. Call me old fashioned but I'll stick with Arthur's 1936 timetable.

I leave you for another week with this final memory of Suffolk's own Indian Pale Ale (RIP)

Greene King IPA, an award winning beer

Award-winning Greene King IPA is a great-tasting beer, loved by drinkers across the world.

This hoppy, refreshing beer is brewed in the historic market town of Bury St Edmunds, in the heart of Suffolk, where brewing has been an important part of the town's history even as far back as 1086 when brewing in the town was recorded in the Domesday Book.

March already?

Another week, another month, another entry.

This Friday evening passed without incident although I did have to promise not to bring back a Chinese takeaway.

Unfortunately Saturday’s match at the Rec was not a classic by any stretch of the imagination. In fact the first half was awful. However, fully gassed up from copious quantities of keg IPA consumed prior to KO we had a most enjoyable afternoon. Many thanks to our host Walkerman for his generosity.

On Sunday I received a missive from the Welsh bard describing how, on Friday evening, he had been involved in a fracas with a large group of “Taffettes" on the mean streets of Whitchurch while on his way home from his local boozer. Sounded quite scary and not something that fine upstanding mature old boys like us should be involved in.

It reminded me of a situation I once found myself in some 40 years before. Whilst driving past Portman Road, on the morning of a home game, in my newly acquired Triumph Herald Estate I encountered a group of a dozen or so away fans, Manchester City I seem to recall, who had arrived early and were kicking a football around in the road. I applied a suitable long blast of horn and put my foot down. As they leapt out of my way one of them kicked the ball at the car scoring a direct hit to the passenger door. I screeched to a halt and leapt out of the car intending to give the culprit a slapped wrist. The 12 fans were immediately joined by 50 or 60 others who came bearing down on me intent on ripping me apart. Now in those days I didn’t get where I was by turning my back on a fight so I leapt back in the car and got the hell out of it.

Moral of the story, if you are outnumbered, leg it! The problem is at our age it is not always possible to sustain a chase especially when overserved with IPA on a Friday night.

I suppose I’m lucky that the only antagonists I seem to encounter these days are wet leaves and kerbs.

On Monday, I braved a visit to my waterlogged plot and repaired the damage to the polytunnel caused by the snow. Repairs to the fruit cage are still at the planning stage. It doesn’t pay to rush into big projects.

I returned home to find that the March edition of Kitchen Garden had been delivered. Now I didn’t get where I am today by being told what to do but a list of tasks as a reminder is very useful to a gardener as timing is so critical in getting the best from your crops.

What I don’t want to be reading on February 1st is what to do during March just because the publishers want to get their bloody magazine on the shelf before their competitors. I have only just started planning for February let alone March and before I have even started March’s tasks I will have received the April edition and probably can’t find the previous one anyway. What nonsense! I think I'll rely on what Arthur was doing 1936.

The magazine did contain a very interesting article about a chap in Dundee who is trying to single-handedly introduce a new fruit crop to the UK. Needless to say I have purchased three plants and await their arrival with anticipation. You know you are getting old when you get excited about a shrub! My mate Savo would be proud of me. Full details about this plant and how to obtain them next week.

A few more seeds have been sown in the greenhouse (on the correct Moon days of course) and hopefully we will be rewarded with lots of early produce from the polytunnel.

The highlight of my week was the delivery of the new Pat Metheny CD entitled “Orchestrion” where he controls and plays all the specially built instruments from his guitar via solenoids. He continues to extend the boundaries of electric jazz to new limits.

See what you think in this 40 second preview.



Interested?

Here’s a 7 minute preview and narrative by the man himself.



He has just embarked on a 5 month tour of Europe, America, Canada and the Far East playing a total of 85 venues.

Bit of a logistical nightmare with that much equipment and instruments. No band members to pay though!

Hey ho.