Fowl Owl on the Prowl

My adventures of last week prompted a significant email response from you.

Inexplicably none of them offered me sympathy. Instead, all of them expressed various degrees of mirth at my misfortunes. What a cynical old world we live in!

However my Welsh chum came up trumps as usual with another poetic masterpiece:

How does Baltzer’s garden grow?
The answer - many want to know,
But evidence is bound to show
Selenic theory’s phooey.

Though Chris’s crops may well amaze,
It’s not because of lunar rays,
But far too many IPAs
And sprinklings of chop suey!

The Ford on Friday afternoon
May keep the Baltzer mind in tune,
But slightly Foxed, and like a loon,
His take-away’s are failures.

Though Chris’s lack of shape and tact
May mean his crackers may be cracked,
He finds the sweet and sour will act
As compost on his dahlias!

Interestingly, since acquiring bread making technology Paul now barters loaves for pints at his local Fox and I suspect has a similar deal in place with the local vicar in exchange for the communional wine, as he markets his products under the banner "Bread of Evans".

For the non-classical students amongst you "Selenic Theory" is a reference to Selene (from the Latin Luna) the Greek goddess of the moon. Apologies to all those academics out there who were already conversant with this fact but having left full-time education at sixteen to pursue a career that would make me rich and famous, (which probably explains why I finished up as a gardener), I had to phone a friend, the Welsh bard himself, for an explanation.

I hate a smart ass!

Incidentally one email I received wanted to know if FFC was related to KFC. He's off my circulation list.

Farnborough Fried Chicken hasn't got the same kind of appeal somehow.

Talking about gardening at last there has been some activity. Spring onion, prize leek, early carrot and sweet pea seed have all been sowed and are tucked up nice and warm in the heated propagator. Early potatoes are chitting up nicely. I will, of course, report on their progress.

I am publishing this weeks episode early in order to alert you to the fact that Saturday (30th) is a full moon day and that you should attempt even less than you did at the half moon.

Above all don't venture out on the streets after dark.

Me, I'm off on a corporate jolly to Aldershot v Grimbsy, which will involve much eating and drinking and, unfortunately, second hand Roy "Chubby" Brown jokes that weren't very funny in the first place.

However, by the evening I will will tucked up in the warm watching one of my top 10 films, "In the Heat of the Night" I think.

I suggest you do the same and might I recommend this everyday story of country folk.



If that doesn't appeal then why not follow my lead with this classic from 1967

Must get a "45" of this song for my juke box.

Hey Ho!

That was the week that wasn't

Last week was an eminently forgettable week.

It started badly when my greenhouse paraffin heater caught fire while I was refilling it and, with the exception of a brief period of entertainment on Tuesday evening, went steadily downhill to the weekend.

On Friday I was severely over-served. First an early door with Walkerman and Mullard in the Old Ford was followed by a lengthy session in the Fox.

Returning home clutching a large bag of Chinese goodies, in high spirits (predominantly IPA) and full of anticipation of the big game the following day, I slipped backwards on a patch of wet leaves right outside Cotswold Towers. In a desperate attempt to stop my fall I lurched forward tripping on the kerb and landing face down like a sack of potatoes right on top of my Chinese takeaway. After a couple of minutes, first checking that no one had witnessed my fall, I clambered up, salvaged what was left of our Friday night banquet and stumbled in through the door.

Did I receive any sympathy from Janice?

Despite recounting in great detail how I had manfully fought off two drug crazed muggers intent on stealing our Chinky, all I got in the way of thanks was " the trouble with you is you drink too much"!

Resisting the temptation to remind my darling wife that I had made her fully aware of that fact 43 years earlier before she married me, I attended to my wounds and we ate our Friday night treat in silence, with rather a lot of very small prawn crackers and without any chicken and sweet corn soup or sweet and sour sauce which had combined to create a deadly looking cocktail in the bottom of the carrier bag.

Undaunted by these events the following morning, complete with cuts to the knee and bruised ribs, I arrived at Farnborough railway station with fellow ITFC fan journalist Jon at the appointed hour to catch the fast, no change train to Southampton Central, as recommended by a member of the Farnborough British Rail staff the previous day. What he had omitted to tell us was that due to engineering works between Woking and Basingstoke over the whole of the weekend it was not possible to board it or any other bloody train at Farnborough until Monday morning.

Now I didn't get where I am today by being wise after the event but at this juncture I now realise we should have cut our losses and retired gracefully to the Fox and watched the days FA Cup events unfold in the comfort of the bar with one or two pints.

However, blinded by FA Cup fever, we boarded a clapped out single decker bus along with 70 other unfortunates, predominantly kids under 16, and proceeded to crawl to Basingstoke station faithfully following the train route calling at Fleet, Winchfield and Hook stations, finally arriving over an hour later.

The day deteriorated horribly from this point on and I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say my blue and white scarf and bobble hat that witnessed Mick Mills lifting the FA Cup at Wembley some 33 years earlier have once again been consigned to the back of the wardrobe for another year.

The one highlight of the week was witnessing FFC destroy Banbury United's undefeated home record by a convincing 3 goals to nil. If ever there was case of one team being "In Toon" and the other "Out of Toon" this was it, particularly the young Banbury goal keeper - see picture from the match below.

At one point I felt so sorry for him I was on the point of offering him my pocket edition of "In Toon with the Moon" but soon came to my senses and rejoined in with the "Dodgy Dodgy Keeper" chant. Sentiment has no place at a soccer match!

To finish have a look at this video of the ex Boro legend Rocky Baptiste playing for Harrow Borough to see how being "Out of Toon" and "In Toon" can apply to the same player:




What's he done! Must have been a full moon!

Henry William Smith

Don't let anyone tell you that researching your family history will be easy. 

I didn't get where I am today by being confused however I'm getting close to it. 

As I may have already said there were two limbs of my Baltzer family in Whitechapel in the mid 1800’s, my great grandfather Heinrich Wilheim (H1) and his cousin Heinrich (H2). 

The father of Heinrich (H2) was Heinrich (H3). Towards the end of the 1860’s my great grandparents moved to Stamford in Lincolnshire and great grandfather Heinrich Wilheim (H1) became Henry William, presumably in an attempt to seamlessly slip into English rural society (although I suspect the surname would have been a bit of a giveaway!) In 1868 their first child was born and he was named, yes you guessed it, Henry William (H4). 

Meanwhile, back in Whitechapel, Heinrich (H3) had a son and he too named him Henry (H5). 

In 1871 my great grandparents and young Henry (H4) moved to Ipswich and at the turn of the century great uncle Henry (H4) had a son, Henry William (H6) 

Things went quiet on the Henry front for a few years but predictably, in 1937, Henry William (H6) had a son whom he, of course, named Henry William (H7). 

So, if my great grandfather had gone the whole hog when he anglicised his name and my father had followed the family naming convention for his first born, I could be going through life as one Henry William Smith haunted by this dreadful attempt at a pop song. 

A Notable Day

Those of you that are “In Toon” will be aware that today is a New Moon day.

Now I‘m sure that, like me, you didn’t get where you are today by doing more than necessary on any day of the week, however today you can sit back and relax and do absolutely nothing, (or in my case the same as I did yesterday, the day before, the day before that blah blah.)

A New Moon day is not a good day for doing anything and don’t even think about having a hair cut because you will wake up tomorrow with longer hair than before or completely bald.

Don’t believe me, well go on then, try it!

Popped my head in the greenhouse earlier this morning and was pleased, if not surprised to see that Pink Floyd has done the business with my exhibition onions which are now looking quite nicely thank you.

Can’t beat a bit of Brain Damage!

Talking of which I may well have contributed to a bit of damage to what's left of mine this week as the IPA delivered to the Fox last Friday ran out yesterday lunch time. OK it was only a 9 gallon barrel but, as the landlady was quick to point out when I had a moan last night, apparently I was responsible for disposing of at leat half of it.

But whose counting?!

Also today, at 7.06 GMT to be precise, there was an eclipse of the Sun that lasted for 11 mins and 7.7 secs , the longest eclipse of this millennium!

But don’t worry about having just missed it as it was only visible in Zaire, Kenya, the South of India, Bangladesh and China.

It was an annular eclipse which occurs when the Sun and Moon are exactly in line, but the apparent size of the Moon is smaller than that of the Sun. Hence the Sun appears as a very bright ring, or annulus, surrounding the outline of the Moon, thus giving it the popular, eye watering name of "The Ring of Fire".
(This video is NOT one for the ladies)



Coincidentally Janice and I went for a ruby last night so on that note I must hastily sign off.

Beam me up, Scottie

I hate January.

What can you do in this weather? And when it thaws everywhere will be flooded.

In desperation I took "Your Garden Week by Week" off the shelf to check what Arthur was doing in January 1936:

Chapter 1 January

General

Dig all available ground

God knows where he was living. This book cost 12s 6d in 1952, what a snip! Have returned it to the bookshelf.

No sign of my exhibition onions. Gave them an encouraging chat and left them listening to "Dark Side of the Moon". That should do the trick.

Following on from the trauma of finding Welsh Walter the genealogy trail took an even more alarming turn when I came across this entry in the 1901 Census:

Baltzer, Adolph, 53, preacher

GET ME OUTA HERE!

The Welsh Connection

Several years ago whilst sorting through my fathers papers I found my great grandparents original wedding certificate from 1866. They lived in Plummers Row Whitechapel next to the Whitechapel Bell Foundry. This prompted me to start researching my family history and as I was still at work I had plenty of time on my hands. For one reason and another I didn't progress very far but have now picked up the trail again. The information available on-line is now much better. There were 2 Baltzer families in the UK both living in Whitechapel (together with Jack the Ripper!) during the late 19th century, which made my job quite easy. The church in Alie Street where my great grandparents where married is still there and although services are no longer held on account of the shortage of German Lutherans in the area, it still opens it's doors to the public a few times a year.

St. George's German Lutheran Church

However yesterday the trail took an alarming turn.

I stumbled across one Walter Baltzer sowing his seed in the Swansea area during the early 1900's. I immediately contacted my old chum Evans in Cardiff to ask him to try and pick up the Welsh Baltzer trail. Some of you may remember Paul Evans when he was the manager at the Hawley Sports Centre before somehow managing to get a job as a rep for Greene King covering North London sports clubs. I think Greene King were more Greene than King at the time. After single-handedly stemming the march of GK further south he finally admitted defeat and retired back to his native South Wales. Like most Welshman he has a way with words, fortunately spoken and written rather than sung, and is well renowned in the Whitchurch area of Cardiff for his poetry. On reading one of my early entries he sent through the following adaption of the well known G&S ditty:

The flowers that bloom in the Spring, tra-la
Have nothing to do with the moon.
He’s really a clever old thing, tra-la,
And at the allotment he’s king, tra-la,
And not such a gardening loon!
And not such a gardening loon!

And that’s what we mean when we say or we sing,
Hoorah for the flowers that bloom in the Spring!

Tra-la-la-la-laa, Tra-la-la-la-laa, etc.

The veggies that grow on his plot, tra-la
Win Chris every kind of award.
The moon is a load of old rot, tra-la,
He’s not such a silly old clot, tra-la,
No wonder the old bugger’s scored.
No wonder the old bugger’s scored.

And that’s what we praise as we gleefully sing,
Hoorah for the flowers and veg in the Spring!

Tra-la-la-la-laa, Tra-la-la-la-laa, etc.

All together now!

Bad Moon

I don't believe it!

Today I received the following email from Harrod Horticulture:

Dear Customer

With snowfall covering much of Britain we wanted to give you a reminder, as per your fruit cage instructions, to remove the roof netting from your fruit cage roof as, with the exception of our Decorative Fruit Cages (with a peak roof), they are not designed to carry excessive snow. If snow settles on a flat roofed cage there is a risk that the weight may collapse the framework, so by taking action you will save any damage to your cage. Alternatively if you wish to protect your crops with roof netting throughout the winter period but still get protection from snow damage, then we recommend that you replace it with 8cm/3” mesh anti-pigeon netting (GDN-073 on page 33 of our 2010 catalogue or search this code on the website). For assistance with calculating your requirements, please call our Customer Services Department on 0845 218 5301.

Let’s hope the weather clears up soon so that we can all begin gardening this year!

Kind Regards

Sabrina Lockwood

Two days too bloody late! What is wrong with these people?

Perhaps what it should have said is:

Dear Customer

With snowfall covering much of Britain we wanted to give you a reminder to skip along to your jolly old allotment and assess the damage to your spindly old fruit cage caused by the excessive snowfall. But best you hurry, for although we have ample stocks of replacement aluminium poles, fixings and netting (postage and packing extra), we are anticipating a big demand for these items because we deliberately didn't warn you in time!

blah, blah, blah

Perhaps it did until some young smart ass-wipe yuppee from the Sales and Marketing department got his sweaty paws on it!

As if that wasn't enough the bloody power cuts keep tripping out my greenhouse heating and propagating system causing me to tramp out through the snow at all hours to reset it.

What is the country coming to? It's enough to turn a man to drink!

Well if would be if the dray, now 2 days overdue, delivers some beer to the Fox.

The IPA (on offer @ £1.99 a pint) ran out 3 days ago forcing me to drink the full price Moorlands Original.

Greene King has gone right down the pan since in ventured out of Suffolk.

At least we saved the Test Match. Credit must go to the selectors for sending in a vegetable at number 11.

Why, only a week into the New Year, do I have this horrible feeling that 2010 will be the Year of Doom and Gloom?

Answers on a post-card please.

I feel a toon coming on!

Turned out nice again.

No words needed!


Remember last year?

2009

As you are well aware I didn't get where I am today by learning from my mistakes!



2010

Essential Reading

As I have already said I don't pay much heed to the so called TV celebrity gardeners.

Here are some recommended proper gardening books:

“The Alternative Gardener” by William Rushton
“Diggers Diary” by Victor Osbourne

And for the serious gardeners amongst you:

“Your Garden Week by Week by A. G. L. Hellyer

First published in 1936 and now sadly out of print, but still obtainable and as relevant as the day it was first published.

The elder statesmen amongst you will of course remember Mr Digwell and his cartoon series which featured weekly in the Daily Mirror from the end of the second world war until the late 1980’s. Updated for the 21st century by Paul Peacock, “Back to the Garden with Mr. Digwell” has recently been published in book form.

Talking of newspapers, I once worked for The East Anglian Daily Times which also featured a weekly gardening column. On one unfortunate occasion it ran with the headline, “WHERE TO FORCE YOUR RHUBARB”. Perhaps the gardening editor was a fellow haemorrhoid sufferer!

I must sign off again now as the moon is just passing from the “Air” Constellation to the “Fire” Constellation which roughly translated means that I have a narrow window of opportunity for a visit to the small room.

I am hoping that “Tooning In” my bowel movements will have a favourable effect on my Chalfonts!

Finally, I’m sure that none of you need reminding but, as Mr. Digwell would advise, January is the last opportunity to sow your exhibition onions.

To know which are the optimum days you will need to be “In Toon”!

Hey Ho!

Quality of Life

Being "in Toon" is not just about gardening.

The scope of cover is endless but I have summarised below the areas that will significantly improve your quality of life :

ANIMAL HUSBANDRY

When to cover your mare
When to trim your livestock’s feet
When to mate your rabbits

BEEKEEPING

Work with bees during Air and Fire constellations to benefit the Queen.

WINEGROWING

When to prune
When to harvest
(Haemorrhoid sufferers, please note, treatment and removal of bum grapes is not covered)
When to ferment
When to bottle

HAIRDRESSING (Optional for ageing hippies)

When to cut hair to slow down hair loss (too late for some of you I’m afraid)
When to cut hair to make it thicker and stronger

DEPILATION

Remove unwanted hair when the moon is descending and combine with a waning Moon to slow down regrowth. Obviously a complete waste of time at a Full Moon.

SKINCARE

Squeeze blackheads when the Moon is in the descendent and in an aspect with Venus.

WARTS, CORNS AND CALLOUSES

Know when to treat and remove.

NAILS

When to cut to avoid in-growing toe nails.

TREATMENT OF WORMS

Best treated 2-3 days before the New Moon or 2-3 days before the Full Moon.

TEETH

Avoid any treatment on the upper jaw when the Moon is passing through Aries.
Avoid any treatment on the lower jaw when the Moon is passing through Taurus.

Avoid any kind of fisticuffs during either of these periods.

SURGICAL PROCEDURES

When (i.e. under which Zodiac sign) to perform operations and on which organ.

For instance, surgical procedures on the bladder, urethra, genital organs, prostrate, colon, rectum, pubis and, curiously enough, the nose should be performed when the moon is in the sign of Scorpio. I think you will agree that, for chaps of our advancing years, this alone is a damned good reason to get “Tooned In”. Presumably the time to avoid these procedures is when the moon is anywhere near good old Cancer the Crab!

I could go on but I'm sure by now that you are hooked and can fully understand why “In Toon with the Moon 2010” was at the very top of my Christmas list.

More essential reading tomorrow!

Tooning In

Want to know more?

To "Toon In" all you need to know is:

Is the moon waxing or waning?

Is the moon’s path across the sky ascending or descending?

Which constellation of the zodiac (grouped by Earth, Fire, Air and Water) is the moon passing in front of?

Which aspect of the plant needs to be stimulated?

SIMPLES!

Well it is, if you are armed with your copy of the relevant “In Toon with the Moon” yearbook.

All very interesting if you happen to be a keen gardener, you may be thinking.

But how wrong you can be, for being “in Toon with the Moon” is not just a complete day-by-day planner for growing but a day-by-day philosophy for living.

Your whole daily routine can be maximised and improved by simply “Tooning In”.

Hooked already?

to be continued ..............

Year of the Gold ?

Well here we are in January 2010, and the start of a new allotment year.

Following on from a very successful and productive 2009, I can now reveal the secret of my success.

As you may be aware, I didn’t get where I am today by taking the slightest bit of notice of the likes of Alan Marsh-Tit, Josey Swift or Carol Klone.

So, you may ask yourself, what is my successful formula?

Is it careful soil preparation, good plantsmanship or just plain hard work, patience and dedication?

Whilst a measure of all of the above is required, the essential element of successful growing is biodynamic gardening - the science of planting and harvesting by the moon.

Yes, my friends, in common with the Werewolves of London, I am “In Toon with the Moon”.

Today more and more gardeners are turning to the moon to discover the best time to plant, prune, weed, and harvest. This practice, known as moon or lunar gardening, focuses on the moon's gravitational effect on the flow of moisture in soil and plants and, to a lesser degree, the effect of moonlight on seed germination.

Want to know more?

Watch this space.

In the meantime I leave you with this:












“His hair was PERFECT”.