However, it is with a certain amount of embarrassment that I have to report since our return from Cyprus nearly a month ago I have indeed been "flat out". The majority of the days have been taken up with getting the allotment back on track. The cold wet weather we experienced at the end of April and beginning of May followed by my 3 week absence had left the plot well behind schedule but with 12 days hard work and, sadly, a total disregard for being "in toon with the moon", plot 24A is "smoking"!
It's not been all hard work though and we have been able to
enjoy the last few weekends sunshine on the West Sussex coast with the fishing
rods in action on two occasions. Last weekend I shattered the Guinness Book of
Records smallest shark entry, see below. Actually it was a dogfish but our granddaughter Amber ran
back to the caravan shouting "Granddad's caught a shark!".
There was also time for the quarterly quest for the Holy
Grail round the mean streets of Oxford with Sniffer Evans and Arty Garner. The
Welsh Bard's newly reconditioned snozzle did us proud as it tracked down four
new watering holes - Jude the
Obscure, The Jericho Tavern, The Rickety Press, and most impressively the
hidden away Bookbinders Arms, now renamed The Old Bookbinders, and which was featured in the first episode
of Morse, although disappointingly it didn't open on weekday lunchtimes.
The Welsh Bard celebrate the day with this little ode:
Up at Oxford, the boys’ latest tour
Commences with Jude the Obscure,
Then novelly crawls round Jericho’s walls,
And the Rickety Press – which is poor…
There, Chris gets a splinter, a drag,
So, lest any spirits should sag,
Baltzer and Arty, continue the party
Up at de Lamb and de Flag…
The Welsh Bard celebrate the day with this little ode:
Up at Oxford, the boys’ latest tour
Commences with Jude the Obscure,
Then novelly crawls round Jericho’s walls,
And the Rickety Press – which is poor…
There, Chris gets a splinter, a drag,
So, lest any spirits should sag,
Baltzer and Arty, continue the party
Up at de Lamb and de Flag…
And, having dispensed with Loch Fyne
At the Kings they’re entranced by the sign:
At the Kings they’re entranced by the sign:
So, creatures of habit, they order the rabbit,
And liver and bacon, and dine…
Then Arty and Chris steal away,
And I’m left on my lonesome to play,
But I'm setting a course for a pub used by Morse,
And liver and bacon, and dine…
Then Arty and Chris steal away,
And I’m left on my lonesome to play,
But I'm setting a course for a pub used by Morse,
We'll Book in at The Binders one day!
As I have said before Oxford is a wonderful place for a pub crawl and it would appear that I am not the only person to eulogize this fact in a blog - the-inspector-morses-oxford-pub-crawl.
Whilst on holiday and when not listening to podcasts of
Desert island Discs, I read the sixth novel in Robert Rankine's Brentford
Trilogy, "Sex, Drugs and Sausage
Rolls" in which John Omalley fulfills his secret ambition to manage a
rock band, "Gandhi's Hairdryer". Each chapter is introduced with a
poem and to whet your appetite here is the start of chapter one: As I have said before Oxford is a wonderful place for a pub crawl and it would appear that I am not the only person to eulogize this fact in a blog - the-inspector-morses-oxford-pub-crawl.
There's a Chef and His Name is Dave
There's a frog in the Kenwood blender,
There's a a cat in the microwave,
There's a mouse in the waste disposal,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a a cat in the microwave,
There's a mouse in the waste disposal,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a cockroach that lives in the pâté,
And the salt is the earwig's grave.
There are droppings all over the butter,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a nasty fungus under the stove,
Where the creepy crawlies wave.
And squeezing his spot in the beef hot-pot,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a man from the health department,
And he's just been sick in the sink,
And the Waterman's Art Centre kitchen,
Will be closed for a while, I think.
CHAPTER 1
She does what?' John Omalley, looked up from his pint and down at Small Dave.
'Reads your knob.' said the wee man. 'It's a bit like Palmistry, where they read the lines on your hand. Except this is called Penistry and they can tell your fortune by looking at your knob.'
It was spring and it was Tuesday. It was lunchtime. They were in the Flying Swan.
'I don't believe it,' said John. 'Someone's been winding you up Dave.'
'They have not. I overheard two policeman talking about it while I was locked in the suitcase.'
'Excuse me, Dave,' said Soap Distant, newly returned from a journey to the centre of the Earth. 'But why were you locked in a suitcase?'
'There was some unpleasantness. I don't wish to discuss it.'
'Small Dave was sacked from his job as chef at the Arts Centre,' said Omally. ©Robert Rankine 1991
And the salt is the earwig's grave.
There are droppings all over the butter,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a nasty fungus under the stove,
Where the creepy crawlies wave.
And squeezing his spot in the beef hot-pot,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.
There's a man from the health department,
And he's just been sick in the sink,
And the Waterman's Art Centre kitchen,
Will be closed for a while, I think.
CHAPTER 1
She does what?' John Omalley, looked up from his pint and down at Small Dave.
'Reads your knob.' said the wee man. 'It's a bit like Palmistry, where they read the lines on your hand. Except this is called Penistry and they can tell your fortune by looking at your knob.'
It was spring and it was Tuesday. It was lunchtime. They were in the Flying Swan.
'I don't believe it,' said John. 'Someone's been winding you up Dave.'
'They have not. I overheard two policeman talking about it while I was locked in the suitcase.'
'Excuse me, Dave,' said Soap Distant, newly returned from a journey to the centre of the Earth. 'But why were you locked in a suitcase?'
'There was some unpleasantness. I don't wish to discuss it.'
'Small Dave was sacked from his job as chef at the Arts Centre,' said Omally. ©Robert Rankine 1991
Sadly this
week saw the passing of another great comic writer, Tom Sharpe.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jun/06/tom-sharpe-dies
What an imaginative sense of humour - here's the gas filled condoms scene from the BBC's dramatisation of Porterhouse Blue:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jun/06/tom-sharpe-dies
What an imaginative sense of humour - here's the gas filled condoms scene from the BBC's dramatisation of Porterhouse Blue:
And for
those of you who have a spare half an hour here he is with Roy Plomley on
Desert Island Discs in 1984:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/player/p009mh17
Tom Sharp RIP.
Finally, don't be concerned that the subject of this creative piece of writing, "A Changing Man", refers to my work ethic, that was purely temporary. It actually refers to the fact that I boarded flight EZY675 at Pafos airport wearing a blue shirt and black trousers and disembarked at Gatwick wearing a fawn shirt and brown trousers courtesy of the "iffy" young steward who emptied a hot cup of coffee in my lap! For the record I can confirm it was a young blonde stewardess not the "iffy" young steward who assisted me with the mopping up of the scolding brew from my groin area! What a nightmare. All I can say is try and avoid making a complete change of clothes in the confines of an airline toilet!
On that hot sticky note I leave you with Mr Paul Weller:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/player/p009mh17
Tom Sharp RIP.
Finally, don't be concerned that the subject of this creative piece of writing, "A Changing Man", refers to my work ethic, that was purely temporary. It actually refers to the fact that I boarded flight EZY675 at Pafos airport wearing a blue shirt and black trousers and disembarked at Gatwick wearing a fawn shirt and brown trousers courtesy of the "iffy" young steward who emptied a hot cup of coffee in my lap! For the record I can confirm it was a young blonde stewardess not the "iffy" young steward who assisted me with the mopping up of the scolding brew from my groin area! What a nightmare. All I can say is try and avoid making a complete change of clothes in the confines of an airline toilet!
On that hot sticky note I leave you with Mr Paul Weller:
Hey Ho!
